Untitled Remus and Sirius fic
by Evedina
Summary: It isn't a proper RS fic unless Remus gets hurt :D You know me, the rating will get there.
1. Hurt

Remus couldn't remember the last time he'd slept through the night. It was now three years after Hogwarts and he and Sirius had been roommates the whole time. James and Lily had of course moved in together right after graduating. Remus knew he was a masochist, living with the man he loved, had always loved it felt, especially since said man kept unintentionally torturing him by bringing over women that were almost never seen twice and disappearing for days for whatever auror-thing he was needed with. The latter was what was driving Remus crazy at the moment.

Sirius hadn't been home for over a week now and all he had heard about the man was that he was alive. Remus didn't know if that was all James knew, or all he was allowed to tell Remus, but needless to say that this did nothing to calm his nerves. He was glad that Lily didn't have to feel like this anymore, since James had taken it more carefully ever since they had learned that Lily was pregnant with their first child.

Remus was sitting in the kitchen, drinking hot chocolate and readying himself for another sleepless night when he heard the door. He ran out of the kitchen and was so happy he could cry when he saw Sirius leaning against a wall.

"Thank heavens you're alright!" Remus exclaimed and went to hug his friend who looked even more disheveled than usual. When Remus drew back he was frowning at the strong stench of alcohol. "You're drunk" he said and took a step back from his friend.

"Yup" Sirius confirmed and grinned at Remus. It was only then that the werewolf noticed the lipstick marks all over Sirius' face and neck and from what he could tell about the skin showing under the half opened robes and shirt, all over the rest of his body as well.

"I assume you didn't drink alone" Remus said and crossed his hands on his chest. He knew that he sounded like a jealous wife, but he couldn't help it.

"Nope" Sirius' grin widened and he gave Remus' shoulder a clap before moving into the sitting room.

"Do you have any idea how worried I've been? You were gone for over a week!" Remus exclaimed after he had followed the dark man deeper into the apartment.

"James knew I was alive" Sirius said and glanced at Remus with a question in his eyes. "What are you fretting about?"

"Alive isn't same as well, Sirius! Alive isn't same as safe!" Remus shouted. He knew it was all in vain. He didn't really have the right to be upset about Sirius' actions the way he was, they weren't a couple. Besides, Sirius was what he had always been, his character was what made him an excellent auror and what Remus had really fallen in love with. But he couldn't help but give in to the frustration that followed the fear that had been eating at him for this whole time. "You couldn't send me a word? Just a line telling me that you weren't lying paralyzed or otherwise hexed at St. Mungo's?"

"Well I'm sorry Remus, but I wasn't exactly in a good place to start playing a pen pal!" Sirius said and raised his voice. Some homecoming this was, he had been gone for over a week, couldn't even remember the last time he'd seen a tub let alone taken a shower or even eaten a warm meal for that matter. Here he was, back at home, and all he got were accusations and an attitude? "Why the hell are you making such a big fuss over this? It's not like I've never been away before."

"Never this long! And then you don't even have the courtesy to come home when you can, to tell your roommate and best friend that you're back, so that he could stop worrying!"

"You're not my wife Remus! Nor my best friend for that matter."

He had known to wait for it, but it still hurt. Naturally he knew that James would always come before him, nothing that he could do about that, not that he would've. The friendship of masters Black and Potter was something so rare and unique that he'd never try to touch that. Remus simply wished that Sirius would sometimes give from himself to his roommate even a tenth of that he was giving to James.

"You're right! You never see anyone long enough for them to fall in love with you so that they would want to marry you! At least for anything other than the money and the fine family name!" He had gone too far. Remus knew he had been unfair the second he'd said it. No amount of fear was enough to justify speaking to his best friend like that. He was already opening his mouth to apologize when Sirius answered.

"Yeah? Well you never see anyone period! Mind you, how could anyone ever love you anyway, knowing what you are."

All air vanished from Remus' lungs and he thought that this must be how someone under the cruciatus curse felt like, it was a pain like he'd never felt before, unlike anything he could ever had imagined of feeling. His heart had gone from a beating muscle into a million pieces within a second, and Remus was sure that this would be the end of him. His eyes were so full of tears that he didn't see clearly anymore, not that there was anything, or more so anyone, he wanted to see. No, he never wanted to see Sirius again.

The moment the words had left his mouth Sirius had sobered up. What had he done? He tried to take a step towards Remus, who quickly avoided his touch and ran from the room to his own, slamming the door shut behind him.

"Remus!" Sirius ran after the man and tried to open the door but it was locked. He took his wand and tried all the opening charms he knew, in vain. Of course he had to upset one of the most talented wizards he knew, if Remus never wanted to talk to him or see him again, Sirius doubted that there was anything he could do about it.

Sirius leaned his forehead to the door and could hear the painful sobs of his friend through the door. He hit a fist against the door, but it didn't have any strength behind it. The tall, thin and dark man could feel the tears burning his eyes and falling down his cheeks. What had he done? How could he? He was the most heinous creature that had ever walked on earth. This was the moment that proved his mother right: He was worthless.

"I'm sorry… So sorry… Please Rem, I didn't mean it, any of it" Sirius said in a whisper, knowing that Remus most likely hadn't heard him, not that it would've mattered if he had. "Please Moony." I can't lose you. Not you. Sirius turned around and slid to the floor, his back against the door. He pulled his legs against his chest and leaned his head against his knees, wondering what curse he should ask James to use on him, if he had really gone and ruined everything for life with one his oldest and dearest friends. With the one he would die without.

Sirius woke up the next morning, not knowing how long he had slept on the corridor floor, nor how long ago Remus had left. All he could do was watch the now empty room that had once held all the comfortable and homey things of his friend. Sirius got up, went to sit on Remus' bed and brought the pillow to his face. The smell of chocolate and all things Remus brought the tears back to his eyes. This would be the end of him. Not a curse, not a wizard gone bad nor a dark creature had been able to end him… But this most certainly would.


	2. Among friends

A/N I decided that in this story's universe Tom Valedro was a horrible child who went and drowned at the age of five, so there never was and never will be a Voldemort going around killing people, so it's okay to joke about something like avada kedavra :)

_Sirius woke up the next morning, not knowing how long he had slept on the corridor floor, nor how long ago Remus had left. All he could do was watch the now empty room that had once held all the comfortable and homey things of his friend. Sirius got up, went to sit on Remus' bed and brought the pillow to his face. The smell of chocolate and all things Remus brought the tears back to his eyes. This would be the end of him. Not a curse, not a wizard gone bad nor a dark creature had been able to end him… But this most certainly would. (CH 1)_

"So, should I greet him first, or simply kedavra his arse the next time I see him?" Lily asked as she poured some tea for her and Remus in the Potters' kitchen.

"You will not hex him, Lily" Remus said and took the offered cup, grateful that his friends would let him stay. Of course he needed to find himself an apartment, but it would take a couple of days. Actually it would probably take a lot longer than that, but he would refuse to stay and be of convenience to the couple now that they were expecting.

"Why shouldn't I? He hurt my best friend" Lily said with a pout and Remus had to feel joyous about the fact that there was someone in this dark and miserable world that cared for him the way Lily did.

"That is between me and Sirius" Remus said and had shivers upon saying his name. He took a piece from a chocolate bar that was one of the many Lily had set on the table, just for him. "Besides, he happens to be the oldest, dearest and best friend of your husband's. How exactly would you explain his disappearing to James?"

"Oh I'd simply come up with a potion that would make him forget all about our dear Mr. Black" Lily winked at Remus with a wicked smile on her lips. It was a good thing that Lily had been a Gryffindor; the world would have been in trouble if she'd started using her potion expertise for a benefit of the wrong side. "Besides, I've never liked him."

Remus chuckled at the statement. "Yes you have. You adore him, just like the rest of us. He's like a mischievous brother that you try to get to behave, but you don't love him any less when he doesn't." Lily snorted in way that told him she would never confess to any of it. "And he loves you as well, even if he does tease you" Remus said smilingly and took another piece of chocolate.

"How is it that you're talking about him like that even after what he did?"

"I didn't tell you what it was."

"If it weren't bad you wouldn't have taken all your belongings with you" Lily said and poured them more tea. "Why won't you tell me?"

"Because you would kedavra his arse and the baby wouldn't have a godfather" Remus said and winked at Lily. They had never discussed about the matter, and they would never need to. Sirius was the only reasonable choice for the job and Remus would've been surprised if James and Lily had asked for anyone else.

"You're not hurt about it, are you?" Lily asked with an apologetic look in her eyes. "After all, he is like a brother to James."

"He is a brother to James, maybe not by blood… But blood isn't everything. He'll jump in front whatever spell or curse he has to to keep his loved ones safe. You're lucky to have him in your corner."

"Why am I getting a feeling that you think you don't have him in yours?"

Remus gave Lily a faint smile before lowering his head and sighing. He wouldn't tell Lily, or James. They would feel obliged to take his side, which would cause more harm than anything else. Remus wasn't the kind of person to ask others to fight his battles, especially against someone dear to them. Then there was the fact, that on some level, a level that had nothing to do with reason and everything to do with his feelings of self-hatred and low self-esteem that were never really gone, no matter how well he was doing, he felt that this was his fault. It didn't make any sense. He hadn't had anything to do with becoming a werewolf and there wasn't anything he could do about the things that came with it: disheveled look, gray hairs at age 21, ugly scars all over his body and the certain days a month, when it was first too dangerous to let him anywhere near people and next he was too weak to do anything. These, the things he couldn't help, were the things he was most ashamed of. And though what Sirius had said had hurt, it hadn't been too hard to believe.

"Remus?" Lily was suddenly next to him, holding his hand, and he was once again fighting off the tears. "Were did you go?"

"Nowhere. Now stop worrying about me and tell me everything about everything. Have you discussed baby names yet?" Remus asked and conjured a smile on his lips.

"Oh Merlin… How much time have we got?"

* * *

James had barely touched the door when it was already open and absolutely dreadful looking Sirius stood there with a dying hope in his eyes.

"You really thought that he'd come back?" James asked and stepped in when Sirius turned and went back into the apartment.

"No… Hoped… Wished… But no, I didn't think he would" Sirius said and James could hear in Sirius' hoarse voice all the agony that his best friend was feeling. "Is he staying with you?" Sirius looked up from the sofa he had slumped on. James nodded and Sirius let out a sigh. He had known that it was the most likely place for Remus to go, but he had still been worried.

"Lily's thrilled to have someone around to talk to. I guess they have something close to what we have. Some things that only the other one gets" James said and went to sit next to his friend, who obviously hadn't showered for a while. "A rough mission?"

"Not really. I mean sure, it took its time but that's not… It's not an excuse James" Sirius said and at the close distance James could see the red eyes that had apparently been crying for a good while before he's come around.

"What did you do?"

"He didn't tell you?" Sirius asked and chuckled bitterly. "No, he wouldn't, would he? He won't tell you so that you wouldn't be forced to hate me. He'll simply keep it in and… Merlin… He'll probably end up blaming himself for it as well" Sirius said and sank his face to his hands. He started shaking and James was upset to see his friend like this. It had been a long time since Sirius had been this low, and it was a sure sign that things weren't right. That they might never be right again.

"We would never hate you Sirius" James said reassuringly and put an arm around his friend's shaking shoulders. "Just tell me. Maybe we can make it better together."

"You will. Or at least you should." Sirius rubbed his wet face a couple of times before looking up to James and confessing his sins. "I told him no one would ever love him because of what he is."

James couldn't have gotten up from the sofa faster than he did. "You did what?" He shouted and looked at Sirius like he didn't know who he was. "Tell me that you were possessed, tell me that someone had imperiod you, anything that could explain you hurting our closest friend the worse possible way."

"It was me. All me…" Sirius said and laid his back against the sofa cushions. He closed his eyes and let the fresh tears leak from under them and run along his cheeks.

James stayed silent and ran his hand through his messy hair. He took off his glasses to rub his eyes and then he put them back again. "This isn't you Sirius. This person who hurts their friend and then sits around and cries about it instead of doing everything in their power to make it up to them, this isn't you."

"It can't be made up James" Sirius looked at his best friend and shook his head. "There's no way he'll forgive me, and he shouldn't. He should've hexed me, cursed me and left me to die before he left… That would've been the only way to make it even."

"You're sounding a tad melodramatic. I know this is bad… But this is Remus we're talking about. He has always forgiven you" James said and was puzzled at his friend's horrified reaction.

"That's exactly why he shouldn't forgive me" Sirius got up and left to the kitchen where James followed him. "I keep hurting him. That's not my intention, it never has been, but it always comes to that" Sirius was now muttering while he was opening a bottle of liquor and James knew that there was something wrong with his friend. A deeper issue that was making him act this way.

"Sirius?"

"I keep coming to the crossroad and always taking the wrong road. And now it's too late. It's too late to get him…"

"You mean too late to get him back?"

"Too late to get him to love me." Sirius was done. So what if James knew he wasn't straight. So what if James knew he was in love with Remus, what did it matter anymore? All that had mattered to him had vanished the second that his werewolf had left him.

He should have known. That was all that James could think about. It made so much sense! Sure it was a bit odd, and comprehending that his best friend was gay or bi or something would take some time but he wasn't grossed out about it. Actually… If Sirius had just been able to tell Remus about his feelings, they could've been happy together. But then again, maybe Remus was straight? Although, Remus being gay would also make so much sense…

"Let's see if we can get this right. When you were telling him that nobody would ever love him, you actually wanted to tell him…?"

"That I would always love him" Sirius whispered and took another gulp from the bottle.

"Don't drink yourself to death, I think we can fix this" James said and went to take the bottle from his friend.

"Fine. I won't have to kill myself like that anyway. After you tell Lily she will come over and kedavra my arse." Sirius said and sat on the counter.

"Are you nuts? I'm not telling Lily about this" James said, put the bottle away and then went to his friend.

"Why? I thought marriage meant you have to tell her everything."

"And I usually do, but this time it would result in her using kedavra on you and our child losing their godfather so I think I'll avoid telling her. And now, you need to get to a shower."

James had a plan. Or a semiplan. Alright, he didn't have a plan, but he had good intensions, and those would have to carry them for some of the way. Phase one would be to get Sirius to look like a humanbeing, it was a task never tried before, but he was an auror, for crying out loud, if this wasn't the kind of darkness he was trained to deal with then what was. After that they would just have to see…

A/N Remember, reviews = love


	3. Talkaty talk aka More hurt

A/N: You can call me the dialogue-girl :D

_"Are you nuts? I'm not telling Lily about this" James said, put the bottle away and then went to his friend._

_"Why? I thought marriage meant you have to tell her everything."_

_"And I usually do, but this time it would result in her using kedavra on you and our child losing their godfather so I think I'll avoid telling her. And now, you need to get to a shower."_

_James had a plan. Or a semiplan. Alright, he didn't have a plan, but he had good intensions, and those would have to carry them for some of the way. Phase one would be to get Sirius to look like a humanbeing, it was a task never tried before, but he was an auror, for crying out loud, if this wasn't the kind of darkness he was trained to deal with then what was. __After that they would just have to see… (CH 2)_

"Hello darling" James said and went to kiss his wife on a cheek.

"Hey Lils" Sirius said but the redhaired witch simply went on washing the dishes, the muggle way.

"Krhm. We came to see Remus" James tried.

"He went out with Peter, something about a girl" Lily said and both she and James startled a little at Sirius' strong reaction.

"Remus has a girl?"

"No, you twat, Peter" Lily said and glanced quickly at Sirius over her shoulder. "Why would Remus have a girl?" she asked.

"Why wouldn't he? Though I don't think I've ever seen him with one" James thought out loud.

"Wait" Lily said, stopped her chore and turned to look at the two darkhaired men. "You do know he's gay, right?" she asked and was stunned at the shocked expressions in front of her. "What kind of friends are you? How do you not know?"

"This is so weird. How have I missed these things? First Sirius, now Remus…" James wondered and ran his hand through his curly mess that sometimes was recognized as hair. "Next Peter comes in and tells me that the girl is really a guy."

"What about Sirius?" Lily asked.

"Oh, um…" James turned red. He hadn't intended to "out" his friend like this, but since it had already slipped… "Sirius is gay too, or bi, or something. Anyways, he's in love with Remus" James explained.

"Wh…" Lily didn't know what to say. She turned to look at Sirius who was sitting and had his face covered with his hands, his whole body shaking.

"Pads? Mate? You alright?" James asked warily and went to rest a hand on his best friend's shoulder.

"He's gay!" Sirius shouted and was laughing hysterically. Or at least it looked like laughing… or maybe it was crying. Either way, it was hysterical. "All these years! All this time, he's been gay. He's been driving me crazy with want, he's been living right next to me, and he's been gay!" The random noise turned into clear sobs and the Potters could see tears on their friend's cheeks.

"You really love him?" Lily asked, still not quite believing. Sirius nodded and sighed.

"But it's too late. He'll never believe me after… Oh Merlin." Sirius covered his face again and shook his head. How had he messed this up so badly?

"What did you do? He's really hurt, but maybe we can work something out so he'll forgive you."

"He won't."

"Sirius" James warned. Lily was kind and understanding, but she would hurt the longhaired man over this.

"I told him that he isn't lovable. That no one will ever love him for what he is" Sirius said, not caring a damn about James. Lily should know. Maybe she would let him from his suffering since Remus obviously wouldn't.

Within seconds Lily had her wand in her hand and she muttered a spell before a yellow light shot at Sirius.

"Lily NO!" James shouted, but he was too late to take the wand. With fear he looked towards what he was sure would be his former best friend's ashes.

"What?" Sirius had stood up and was now wondering a snake around his neck. As he took it in his hand he noticed that it was a simple sand snake, totally harmless.

"What?" James repeated Sirius' earlier statement and they both looked at Lily.

"Remus put a spell on me. I can't inflict physical pain on Sirius" she told them with her arms crossed to her chest and a murderous look in her beautiful eyes. "Why he's protecting you I haven't the faintest."

"That makes two of us."

"Sweetheart. You have to understand that Sirius is…" James tried, relived that Remus was farsighted about Lily, but was quickly cut off.

"I understand fully well what Sirius is, he's a snake! He should've been a slytherin!"

"Lily!" All three of them turned to look at Remus who walked in and scolded Lily with a look. "That wasn't fair. Hello James, Sirius" he greeted them both and went to put a kettle on."

"Fair? What about what he did to you?" Lily asked, enraged.

"Ah. You needn't to tell them" Remus said and glanced at his former friend. Former… the thought of it hurt him.

"They had the right to know just how horrible person I am" Sirius answered nervously.

"If that's how you see it" was all Remus said.

"Lily, dearest, I need you to help me with something" James said, changing the subject.

"Oh?"

"Upstairs."

Lily looked at her husband, knowing perfectly well that he simply wanted her to leave the room with him.

"Fine." The married couple left the kitchen and left the two young men alone.

"Prongs, ever so subtle" Remus chuckled and poured himself a cup of tea. He could pretend that he wasn't nervous, that he didn't need the Sirius to leave before he could breathe, but the other man's presence still gave him goose bumps.

"Remus?" Sirius cautiously said the other man's name and slowly moved closer.

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry." It didn't even begin to cover it, but that was all he could think of.

"It's okay" Remus said but didn't turn to look at Sirius.

"No it's not."

"No, it's not" Remus confirmed and looked at Sirius who was ready to crawl by now.

"I'll do anything" he said ans his voice cracked.

"There's no point discussing this Sirius."

Sirius. Not Padfoot.

"Yes, there is. I don't want to lose you. Tell me I didn't lose you" Sirius pleaded.

Remus looked at his old friend with surprise and disbelief. Who was this? Surely not the confident Sirius Black who never begged anyone for anything.

"I'm still here" Remus answered and felt his heart melt a little. It was almost painful to see the other man in a state like this; state that went against his very nature.

"So you'll come home?" Sirius asked with obvious hope in his voice.

"Sirius…"

"Please. I promise I'll be better. I'll clean!"

Remus would've laughed but there really wasn't anything merely humorous about this.

"I can't. I'm sorry, I just… Well, if you think about it I really should've moved out years ago."

"What? Why?"

Because I love you and you keep hurting me. Because I can't move on before I move out. Because you'll never want me like I want you. All these thoughts went through Remus' head, but he didn't voice any of them.

"It would be easier for you. You could bring over who you wanted, when you wanted and I wouldn't be on the way."

"I don't want to bring anyone over, I want you!" Sirius cried out. Why was Remus being so cool-blooded about all this.

"I know it's a bit like Hogwarts with me as your roommate, but it's time to grow up. For both of us."

"I am grown up, and you've never been anything but! But that's not what I'm talking about" Sirius closed most of the distance between them and tried to figure out what it was that he wanted to say. "I don't want you back because you're a good roommate, I want you back because I love you. And not like a brother, not like James. I'm in love with you. I want to make love to you, to wake up next to you, to take a bath and eat breakfast with you. I want to come home to you, into your arms" Sirius ended his rant and dared himself to look right into Remus' eyes. He didn't like what he saw.

"How… Why would you say that?" Remus asked with a quivering voice. He was pale as a ghost and had tears in his eyes.

"Moony…"

"Don't call me that! Why… Why do you want to hurt me like this?"

"I'm not! I really do love you" Sirius said and tried to put his hands on Remus' shoulders but the werewolf fled his touch.

"Stop saying that! You don't love me! No one can love me because of what I am, remember?"

Sirius' heart broke at the words and the sight of the hurt man in front of him. Of course Remus believed it, why wouldn't he when that was all he had been told over the years. And for someone like Sirius to say it…

"That's not true! You have to know it's not. I didn't mean it. Please Moony."

"I told you not to call me that! I hate you Sirius Black! I hate you. I didn't before, I didn't think I ever could, but now… I don't know what I did to deserve this, but I never want to see you again!" Remus ran off and left Sirius to stand there with tears streaming down his cheeks. That was that. Remus hated him, and Remus never hated anyone.

"Pads" it was James.

Sirius wiped the tears away and turned to look at his friends. James looked dreadful and even Lily had pity in her eyes.

"I'm sorry Prongs. I'll go."

"You'll be okay?" Lily asked and caressed Sirius' cheek. Sirius was sure his voice would fail him so he simply shook his head, took a step back and apparated.

The Potters hugged each other and Lily sighed.

"I'm not surprised, but I am sorry" Lily said.

"You and me both precious" James said and kissed his wife, grateful that he had his great love right there in his arms. If only his friends could find the same, even if finding it in each other seemed more unlikely now than it ever had before.

A/N: Next one, next one, next one! I'm anxious about that one, I'm not saying that they'll make up, but it will be putting the M into the rating :) And as always, your love in form of reviews is what keeps me going on ;)


	4. A friend in need

_"You'll be okay?" Lily asked and caressed Sirius' cheek. Sirius was sure his voice would fail him so he simply shook his head, took a step back and apparated._

_The Potters hugged each other and Lily sighed._

_"I'm not surprised, but I am sorry" Lily said._

_"You and me both precious" James said and kissed his wife, grateful that he had his great love right there in his arms. If only his friends could find the same, even if finding it in each other seemed more unlikely now than it ever had before. (CH3)_

The day after full moon was starting to darken into a night when Lily finally felt she was able to breath instead of listening every possible whimper that could be heard from upstairs where Remus had been pretending to sleep for most of the day. James had told Lily that it had been bad, but based on the cuts and bruises that she had seen on his friend's skin she was quite sure that "bad" didn't even begin to cover it. It had most likely been the worst kind of hell for poor Moony. It wasn't the first time that she hadn't been able to go, but it was the very first time that Pads hadn't been there and she could only imagine how the wolf must've reacted to being left alone with no one except Prongs.

Lily sighed as she thought about it. Remus being miserable and Sirius not being there, not that he hadn't tried, he had. Sirius had come to the house and asked, begged even, but Remus ha d told him no. She didn't even want know what Sirius had done after that. He had been a mess ever since the confrontation with Remus two weeks ago, when he had told the werewolf that he loved him. He took stupid risks at work and drank heavily. Most nights he didn't make it home and the owl of Leaky Cauldron had become a familiar sight at the Potter residence.

They hadn't told Remus about it; James because he knew that Sirius didn't want Remus' pity but something else, and Lily because she felt that she needed to be Remus' friend first, no matter how much she wanted to see the two men be friends again. Not that she would've minded if they were something more than just that.

Lily was cleaning the glasses from the dinner table when she heard the familiar knock on the window.

"Speak of the devil…" she muttered as she went to open the window and let the bird in. "Evening Laos" she said as she took an envelope from the bird's beak and then patted him. "Mail" she told her husband as she walked into the kitchen where James was supervising a cleaning spell that was on the dishes.

"Hm? Where from?"

"Cauldron."

James' face went from interested to depressed as he took the envelope from his wife.

"Again?"

"Can you really blame him? Last night was the first full moon that he wasn't there. Imagine how he must've felt."

"I know, that's why I really don't want to open this."

"What don't you want to open?"

The Potters turned around to see still weak Remus standing at the kitchen door.

"What are you doing up?" Lily demanded and hurried to help him on to a stool.

"I got hungry and bored just lying in bed. Now, what don't you want to open?" Remus asked as if he hadn't noticed that they didn't want to tell him.

"It's nothing" James said and tried to hide the letter when it suddenly flew from his hand to Remus' who out his wand away and took a look at the letter.

"The Leaky Cauldron? Who's staying there?"

James didn't know what to say and he looked at his wife for her help.

"Sirius is" Lily said, took the letter from his friend and opened it.

"How bad this time?" James asked.

"Bad."

"Why is Sir… Why is he staying at the Cauldron?" Remus asked, the name of his former friend still so hurtful that he couldn't bring himself to say it. As if he hadn't been yelling it in his head for the past two weeks, especially the night before.

"Because he's not in a state to get himself home" Lily said and handed the letter once again to her husband. "He's been drinking himself to death for a couple of weeks now. James has gone there more than once to try and save him from himself."

Remus looked shocked, or sad, hurt, everything at the same time really and that told James something that made an idea pop into his head. If it worked he'd be a genius, if it didn't… Well, it couldn't go much worse, could it?

"But I'm not going this time" he said and went back to the dishes that were almost done washing themselves and going to the cupboard.

"Excuse me?" Now Lily was shocked.

"He's a grown man, an auror nonetheless. If he wishes to spend his fortune with a slow death, then he is entitled to do so."

Lily didn't know what to say or how to react. This was a side of her husband's that she'd never experienced before and she wasn't sure if she liked it.

"I think I'm gonna go back to bed" Remus said and left.

"Are you seriously leaving him to take care of himself? Because I think that we both know how unlikely that is."

James turned to his wife with a bright smile. "I have an itch that someone else is going to go and save him this time" he said and grinned when he saw understanding light up in Lily's eyes.

"I hope you know what you're doing" she simply said and went to clean up the rest of the dinner table.

It had taken Remus a second to decide he was going and the next forty minutes to try and talk himself out of it. He of course failed. Sirius was his oldest friend. Even if Remus had been hurt, even if he didn't really want to see Sirius ever again or even be friends with him anymore, even then this was the man that he had been in love with for years. This… cocky, arrogant, crazy and gorgeous man had been there for him when nobody else had. Sirius has comforted him when even he himself had been ready to simply give up. Sirius had been there through all and no matter how much Remus wanted to stop loving him, he just couldn't. It didn't matter how many women he'd seen pass by or how many times he'd been hurt, he couldn't make himself fall out of love with Sirius.

It had been awhile since he'd last visit the Cauldron, but the place hadn't changed, it never did.

"Hello, Tom" he greeted the bartender who was cleaning a table.

"Remus! Oh, am I happy to see you!" the older man exclaimed in relief. "I tried to get him to go home but he wouldn't so I put him in a room."

"That was probably for the best. Would you give me the key, please?"

Remus took the key and started towards the stairs before stopping and turning to address Tom again.

"How long has he been like this?"

"He's always come here to relax if the job has got to him. But like this? Little less than a month. The last two weeks have been the worst. Sometimes he cries a river, sobs in a way that I think he might go and hurt himself. Not very auror-like at all. The next he's so mad that I fear he'll hurt not just himself but someone else as well when he throws stuff. There's not much I can do to a full grown, educated auror gone crazy."

Remus swallowed, nodded and went to the stairs.

Sirius' room was in the farthest corner and when Remus finally came to the door of said room he wished, and not for the first time, that the rooms weren't soundproofed. There was no way of telling whether the man inside was awake already passed out. Remus took a deep breath, readying himself for both scenarios and finally opened the door.

The room was bigger than it seemed outside, though that was the case with all the rooms. Remus walked in and saw a huge bed with a person shaped shadow on it. The room was dark but when he moved further into the room he finally saw Sirius' face in the dim light that was shed in from the window by the lamp-posts outside.

There were tears streaming down Sirius' cheeks from his closed eyes, messy black curls all over his face as well as the pillow. His look was nothing if not disheveled but there was something else too. Remus had stood there, staring the man in the bed, thinking that he was out of it, when suddenly he spoke.

"Remus."

It was a whisper but it startled Remus. Had Sirius seen him, heard him, smelt him? Remus took another step forward and was about to answer, to explain himself, when he got a closer look at Sirius, his clothes and… his hand. Sirius' shirt was unbuttoned which gave his wandering hand access to the once smooth, now slightly scarred skin. Remus had shivers every time he thought that some of those scars were his making.

Where Sirius' one hand was wandering around his torso, the other stayed firmly in place, though moving as well. Sirius' trousers were pushed down enough to expose his member, his big, hard and leaking cock that was currently massaged by Sirius' own hand. Remus didn't know what to think or where to look. There was something grotesque in the sight: a disheveled mess of clothes, hair, tears, sweat and precum. Something grotesque, but also something very addictive, as Remus found that he was unable to move his eyes away from the sight. At least until there was a groan and another "Remus".

Remus felt shivers go down his spine and his own member starting to stir. Could this be happening? Could Sirius truly be moaning Remus' name out loud as he… Remus couldn't believe this. He shouldn't be there, he should go. If only his eyes weren't glued to the other man. He was in a trance, watching as Sirius' hands moved in a steady rhythm, listened his breathing getting heavier and heavier, feeling his own trousers becoming too tight. Remus' eyes shuttered closed though he could still see Sirius in his mind's eyes. His hand hovered over his own crotch and as he listened the moans of the intoxicated man lying on the bed. Remus couldn't help himself from moaning the other man's name as he pressed his hand on his own erection. There was a sharp intake of breath as Sirius heard his name mentioned.

"Yes Remus. Fuck me, please, need you inside me."

That was it. Remus needed to get out, now. He ran from the room, made sure that the door was locked and apparated. He couldn't go to James and Lily's, he'd be ashamed, so he went "home". To the flat that he had lived in for the past three years with the man that currently made him so hard that he was sure he's die if he didn't get release soon. Remus went to Sirius' room, collapsed on the bed, pushed down his trousers and pulled a Sirius' scented pillow to his face before starting to rub himself.

He imagined that it was Sirius' hand touching him in a quickening rhythm. He imagined Sirius kissing him, lying on top of him. He imagined Sirius naked and his own hands roaming that perfect bottom and that thick, hard… Remus groaned into the pillow and came all over his hand. It took him a few minutes before he was able to gather and clean himself up. As he made his way to the kitchen he understood that he would have to talk with Sirius. He still didn't believe that this was about love, but they should certainly discuss this. Maybe there was even a way for them to be friends.

A/N: It is very late where I am and so I didn't read it over to check it for spelling, I'm sorry if there's some mistakes. This chapter became longer than I thought it would when I had the idea in my head and I didn't want to put it all in the same chapter, so you'll be getting another, very M-rated, chapter in a day or few. As always I live and breath for the reviews, so if you have it in your hearts to make me happy I would really appreciate it 3


	5. A dream

_"Yes Remus. Fuck me, please, need you inside me."_

_That was it. Remus needed to get out, now. He ran from the room, made sure that the door was locked and apparated. He couldn't go to James and Lily's, he'd be ashamed, so he went "home". To the flat that he had lived in for the past three years with the man that currently made him so hard that he was sure he's die if he didn't get release soon. Remus went to Sirius' room, collapsed on the bed, pushed down his trousers and pulled a Sirius' scented pillow to his face before starting to rub himself._

_He imagined that it was Sirius' hand touching him in a quickening rhythm. He imagined Sirius kissing him, lying on top of him. He imagined Sirius naked and his own hands roaming that perfect bottom and that thick, hard… Remus groaned into the pillow and came all over his hand. It took him a few minutes before he was able to gather and clean himself up. As he made his way to the kitchen he understood that he would have to talk with Sirius. He still didn't believe that this was about love, but they should certainly discuss this. Maybe there was even a way for them to be friends.(CH4)_

"Remus, please."

"No."

And then the door had closed in front of him. He had gone to ask if Remus would let him come to spend the night of the full moon. He had known the answer before asking but he had needed to try. He sat in a booth at the Leaky Cauldron and thought back, way back, all the years they had been friends, all the full moons Moony and Padfoot had been together… He hadn't missed one full moon since they had started to keep him company. Not one… until now. The thought brought the night's first tears in his eyes and he ordered another bottle of firewhiskey.

Later that night he was having a dream, he had had the same dream for many times before and it was always the same, always about them, about him, the man with the kindest soul and the biggest heart. It was about Sirius and Remus back when they were still in school, it was a colored version of what had actually happened and it was one of his favorite dreams ever.

Sirius went to the showers ans found that Remus was already there. Since it was only two days after a full moon Sirius knew that Remus would still be a bit stiff so he volunteered to wash his back, being careful not to push down too hard on the bruises. Remus had shivered and Sirius had turned the water on hotter. He was feeling a little funny but he chose to ignore the feeling. Until this point everything had really happened, but unlike in real life, in his dream Sirius' "funny feeling" was a hard on and he certainly did not ignore it. In this version, this far better version, Sirius actually acted on his feelings and Remus' shivers were accompanied by a moan that Sirius rubbing his shoulder caused.

Sirius would lean on to Remus' back and kiss him on the back of his neck.

"Sirius? What are you doing?" Remus asked breathless.

"Kissing you. Do you want me to stop?" Sirius asked, still kissing the other boy's neck and shoulders.

"No" Remus said and turned around, crashing their lips together, It was lips, teeth and tongue as Sirius let the werewolf devour him. When they finally came up for air Sirius pushed Remus against the shower wall and pressed his body against his friend's, lover's. Their hard cocks brushed against each other making them moan and their members to ache even more.

"Remus" Sirius moaned as the werewolf nipped, kissed and sucked his neck, shoulders, chest and nipples. Sirius knew that there would be marks but he didn't mind, actually he rather liked it. Sirius roamed Remus' body with his hand, broad shoulders, strong beautiful back and tight ass. One would never guess from the way he dressed what kind of divinity laid under those saggy clothes.

"Sirius" Remus groaned and the black haired boy took a sharp intake of breath as he felt a strong hand close firmly around his cock.

"Yes Remus" he sighed and nibbled Remus' ear before whispering "Fuck me, please, I need you inside me."

Remus groaned and kissed Sirius hard before turning them around. Sirius' chest was pressed against the wall, he felt Remus' arm wrap around his waist and the werewolf's cock at his entrance.

"You sure Sirius?" Remus whispered.

Sirius turned his head and pulled Remus into a fierce kiss before whispering back "Take me."

It took one push for Remus to bury himself in Sirius' divine warmth and tightness. Sirius closed his eyes and leaned against the wall, he could barely breath, that's how amazing it felt.

"Move."

"Sirius..."

"Remus… Merlin, please, move!"

Remus started a steady rhythm, same while sucking Sirius' neck and shoulders, his hands touching the other boy everywhere cept where this wanted, needed, to be touched.

"Merlin I want you Sirius" Remus said and turned the other boy's head so that he could kiss him. "No one else, just you."

Sirius' throat was full with emotion so he simply kissed his lover back who started quickening the rhythm. Sirius could almost feel it, he was almost there, almost across the border of color and black emptiness full with feeling. He felt Remus' hand on his hip, took it and placed it to his leaking cock.

"Please Moony, let me come, please baby."

Remus' hand quickly matched the rhythm, Sirius' hand still on his.

"Go ahead, come for me love."

That was it. Sirius came hard, shouting Remus' name before collapsing against his lover, feeling Remus come inside him and biting his shoulder so hard that he probably drew blood. The last thing Sirius knew was the scent of Remus and the feeling of his lover's lips against his neck.

A/N: I kinda lost interest on Remus and Sirius specially after I found Sherlock and John... I apologize for leaving you guys hanging, but I promise that I will complete this eventually! Hope this little update makes you happy.


	6. I love you

A/N: I am so so sorry. I've wanted to write this for so long, I've done dozens of plans about how to go on with it but none of them seemed right until now. It's 3am where I am so spelling and grammar might not be 100% in place, plus the story takes kind of a quick turn away from the original "easy does it" plan, but as always I hope you enjoy it at least a little. Let me know what you thought and if you forgive me for taking so long, again… Ta!

Remus opened his eyes, knowing that he was being watched by a tall, dark man whose body heat he could feel right next to him on the bed. The first thing he saw were those beautiful blue eyes staring right into his green ones from above him.

"Morning" Sirius said quietly and Remus could sense that the wizard was nervous.

"Morning" he replied and yawned, bringing his hand to cover his mouth and then placed it on his chest.

"I…" Sirius started. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, not knowing what to say or how to act. "I…" he tried again but with the same outcome.

"So articulate" Remus said and even smiled a little. This was weird. He was in Sirius' bed, where he had fallen asleep after… He quickly glanced down to his trousers but they were up as was his fly. Good, so he hadn't been a mess when Sirius had found him. In his woken haze he thought that there might even have been a trip to the kitchen. Oh yeah, nothing to eat but empty bottles everywhere.

"I want to ask why you're here but I'm scared that it'll make you leave" Sirius finally said and made Remus sigh. He could see the hurt, confusion, sadness and something else in the other man's eyes and he hated it. He wanted to see Sirius happy. A quick thought that he didn't care anymore since Sirius was dead to him crossed his mind, but he knew it wasn't true. Remus not love Sirius? There wasn't a universe where that could happen, no matter what the dark haired auror did. What he had seen the previous night and the sleep that he had had in a room that was filled with the scent that he had adored for years had made it very clear to him. He couldn't stop loving Sirius.

"You saw me. Last night" Sirius stated and Remus couldn't look him in the eye. He nodded and a flashback from what he had seen last night went through his mind and made him a little warmer inside. "I'm sorry" Sirius said and he rolled from hovering above Remus to lying in his back next to his friend.

"Wasn't your fault" Remus said and an uncomfortable silence landed on them as they both stared at the ceiling. "You, um, said my name. You know, while you were… You know." Now who was being articulate.

"Yeah well… They're usually about you, my dreams, of that… genre"

"Why?" Remus hadn't intended on saying it out loud but it was a reflex too strong to be hold back.

'Because I love you' was what Sirius thought but he couldn't utter the words since they had caused so much pain for them both the last time. "The hair, the eyes, the mouth, the skin, the smell, the feel…" he listed all the things that he loved, and lusted, about Remus. "The way you look when you read a really interesting book or when you're making spells while concentrating on something totally else, cause you're so good that you can. The glares that I get when I say or do something stupid or inappropriate and that smile…" Sirius sighed, his eyes closed and his body growing warmer while he thought about it all. "That smile when you're just… thinking something happy I guess. You look so… at peace."

"It's usually cause I'm looking at you" Remus said after a long pause. "That smile. I'm only at peace when I'm near you. When I feel safe." There was an involuntary sob at the end of his sentence and Remus could feel his brain yelling at him to get out until he'd get hurt again but his body didn't move. It did shiver though when Sirius rose to hover above him again, leaning so close that he was slightly on top of the smaller man.

"I make you feel safe?"

"You did" Remus opened his eyes just in time to see the hurt flash in Sirius' eyes.

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"I'm sorry" Sirius leaned in closer, Remus could feel the breath on his face.

"I know."

"I am so, so sorry" Sirius' lips almost brushing against his.

"I kn…"

So good. So right. So… Sirius. Remus wanted to control himself, he really did, but something in him forced to answer the kiss that Sirius was pouring so much into. Remus brought his shaking hand to other man's cheek and thought all the times that he had dreamed about this and never getting it right, not even near. He hadn't thought that Sirius could be capable to be this gentle, usually when he kissed a girl…

Remus flinched and pushed Sirius hard. "No. No, no, no, no, no… Stop. You need to stop. We need to…"

"It's okay. Shh, it's okay. I'm sorry. Please darling, calm down" Sirius rose to sit and had his hands up.

"Don't call me that."

"What?"

"Darling."

"I'm sorry."

"And stop saying you're sorry!" Remus yelled as he sat up as well. "Why did you kiss me?" he demanded and waited for Sirius to answer but there was no response. "Tell me. Why did you kiss me?"

"You don't want to hear it" Sirius said with a pained expression on his face and Remus got it.

"No. You don't… love… me."

"You can't say that."

"As a person who's been both a werewolf and in love with you for the length of our friendship I think I can. I would've known if you were in love with anyone, especially me."

"You love me?" Sirius asked with a look of pure shock on his face.

"Of course I do" Remus said and lied back down. "Always have, always will. Whether I want to or not" his voice cracked and he could feel the tears in his eyes.

"I love you."

"Do not."

"Yes, I do."

"The hell you do. How could you love…"

"Don't say it. Don't you dare to say it."

"You're right, there's no need. You already did" Remus said and suddenly felt trapped. Sirius was on top of him, long ans strong arms wrapped around him to keep him down.

"I love you, I don't deserve you, but I love you. And you deserve to be loved. More than that, you deserve to be adored, divined and treasured."

And the tears were free. Remus could taste the salty water on his lips as Sirius kissed him again, this time with more urgency and demand. He wanted to believe that this was really happening, that Sirius was being honest, but there was just no way.

"Stop thinking and kiss me back" Sirius said and kissed him again. Remus could feel his resistance cracking and then there was tongue and his walls crumbled down. He might get hurt, no, he most certainly would get hurt, but before he did he could enjoy this moment. He would take what he got and when it was all over and he's be back at James and Lily's place feeling like he couldn't breathe, he'd have this to look back to.

So he answered the kiss. When Sirius felt Remus responding he loosened his grip and moved one of his hands into Remus' hair and the other to cup that ass that he had been staring so often. They both moaned at the feeling and though Sirius knew that things were moving too fast, he couldn't help but press himself against the hot man under him, so that his intensions would be as clear as day. Remus gasped until he took Sirius' hand from his behind and placed it on top of his now aching cock.

"Take me."

"Remus…"

"Pads. Make me yours" Remus moaned into Sirius' ear and rubbed Sirius' hand on his crotch.

"Whatever you want Moony."


	7. The End

_"Take me."_

_"Remus…"_

_"Pads. Make me yours" Remus moaned into Sirius' ear and rubbed Sirius' hand on his crotch._

_"Whatever you want Moony." (CH6)_

* * *

It had been two months since Remus and Sirius had started dating. Sirius had been ready to move back together and live happily ever after right after their first time together, but Remus had made him understand that it wasn't that easy and that it would be better for them both to take it slow. And they had. Everything had gone so well, that Remus was actually ready to take the next step: to move back in with Sirius. He wasn't completely sure if he should move back into his room or maybe into Sirius' but he was sure they'd figure it out.

Remus had been waiting for a good time to bring up the subject, but there hasn't been one and then Sirius had been called for a work thing that took him somewhere around the world for a few days. In day 4 Remus decided that he'd rather wait for the man at their apartment, took all his belongings and told Lily he was moving. Lily was both happy and nervous about it since she was still slightly mad at Sirius for the whole mess, but she wished Remus all the best and told him that if he ever wanted to have a slumber party he'd be more than welcome.

Remus stopped at the door that he had so often walked through without even thinking about it and took a deep breath. It hadn't felt this big when he'd first moved in with Sirius, but then again they weren't an item then. He took his key, opened the door, walked in and froze. His brain went completely numb when he took in the sight in front of him: Sirius cradling some woman in his arms and caressing her hair.

"Remus!" Sirius yelled after him as the werewolf ran out and down the street. "Remus! Come back!" Remus could hear the man running after him, closing in on him and in the end felt Sirius stopping him with a tight grip on his arms. "I told you to stop" he said breathlessly.

"Just let me go, please."

"No. This isn't what you think it is."

"You don't need to explain, just let me go" Remus begged and stared his feet, unable to face Sirius.

"The hell I don't. You think that there's something between me and Rena and I'm telling you there isn't, she's a colleague and a friend, that's all."

"You looked a lot closer than that to me."

"She just lost her fiancé at work, I was consoling her."

"Really?" Remus felt like the biggest idiot that had ever walked on earth. What the hell was wrong with him.

"Yes, really" Sirius said, annoyed.

"I'm sorry."

"You ought to be."

"Tell Rena I'm sorry as well. And give her my condolences, please."

"Fine. Will you behave if I let you go?" Sirius asked and Remus then noticed that he was still being tightly held.

"Promise. You should go back. We'll talk later?"

"Of course. You come by later?"

"If you want me to."

"I want you to" Sirius said with a voice that said 'Don't be stupid'.

"Then I will."

"Good, see you later" Sirius said, let go of Remus and turned to go.

"See you."

"Oh, and Remus" Sirius turned back, sneaked an arm around Remus and pulled him in for a kiss. Remus was surprised at how much he had missed the feeling even though they had only been apart for a few odd days. "Love you."

"Okay" Remus answered and then watched the other wizard walk away. 'Okay' had been his basic answer to Sirius' "love you" for the past two months. First he had told Sirius not to say it but the auror hadn't listened. Sirius said it all the time and at one point Remus had given in and stopped complaining about it, but he still hadn't said it back. It wasn't that he didn't feel it, he had been feeling it ever since school, but something in the mere thought of actually saying it out loud to Sirius himself seemed absolutely ridiculous if not even wrong. So he stuck to 'okay'.

Later that night when Remus and Sirius were cleaning up after the meal that Remus had made for them Sirius asked about Remus' earlier visit.

"I mean I hadn't told even James yet that I was back, so how did you know to come around?"

"I didn't expect you to be home, I was here to… water the plants."

"You're a lousy liar. And I don't have plants."

"That's cause you let them all die when I moved out" Remus told him and put the last piece of clean silverware to the drawer.

"Would you move back in if I got more?"

"I will not move back in just so you can get plants."

"Fine."

"But I will move back in so you can get a hot meal when you get home" Remus said and suddenly found the countertop extremely interesting.

"You… What?" Sirius wasn't sure if he was really hearing what he thought he was hearing.

"I could, if you want, move back into my old room" Remus said and finally turned around in time to see Sirius walking towards him. There was pause before he answered.

"I don't want to back into your old room" he said and Remus felt a sting in his heart. Then Sirius leaned in closer and whispered "I want you into mine".

"You sure?" Remus whispered as well as he slowly lifted his hands up to touch Sirius' chest.

Sirius' lips started from behind Remus' ear and moved with light kisses along the werewolf's jawline to his lips where they lingered before diving in for the deepest kiss Remus had ever experienced. "I'm sure. But…"

And there it is, Remus thought as Sirius took a step back, not too far so that Remus could still touch him, but far enough so they could clearly see each other. "There's something that we need to solve before we can go on with all this."

"Oh?"

"You need to trust me Remus."

"What?" Remus was surprised, where was this coming from?

"I'm not saying that you need to say you love me, you don't, but you need to trust me."

"I do…"

"You don't, if you did you wouldn't have ran off earlier when you saw me with Rena." Remus felt himself blush when Sirius mentioned his bad behavior earlier that day. "I know I hurt you, and I wouldn't have blamed you if you had never talked to me again, but you did. And we're here and we can't go on unless you trust me."

Remus was in awe, when had Sirius turned into this mature adult in front of him.

"I trust you."

"Do you? Cause I need you to stop punishing me."

"I will. I have" Remus said and he smiled at Sirius' doubtful look. "I promise. I love you Pads" Remus vowed and kissed Sirius. He could do this, they could do this. It was still odd, it was still something he had thought would never happen, but here they were and they would make it work.

"Well then. Let me show you to your new bedroom" Sirius winked at his loved and started pulling him towards his bedroom that had suddenly become their bedroom.

"I've seen it."

"Not from the angle I'm planning on showing it to you" Sirius said and they both grinned before they entered the room and got something better to do with their lips.

* * *

A/N: There it is. I'm sorry I didn't get to the steamy stuff, but you have my blessing to fill in the blanks, I'm also sorry that it took this long and that the last chapter might be a bit… unattached from the rest of the story. I've said it before and I'll say it again that most of this was written with no inspiration, which is really difficult to do, and I have to thank all of you that have had the patience to keep on reading and especially those who have reviewed and encouraged me to get to the ending. So sorry and thank you. xxx


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